Really Lord, No Sex?: The Struggle of Dating as a True Christian

No Sex

When you’re used to receiving “love” in a certain way, it’s difficult to imagine dating someone you really like without “making love” aka sex. That’s the way love is shown to the other person, right? Ok…think on that for a bit.

From my experience, sex causes issues and destroys the natural progression of a budding or even fully developed relationship prior to marriage. Pre-marital sex is what I’m focusing on today because I can only speak from my experiences as a single, Christian woman. I’m in my 30s and never been married before so I think I’ve been through almost every dating experience that you can think of. I’ve been through the tumultuous process of waiting for my Boaz, giving up, getting mad at God for taking too long, trying to do my own thing, making plenty of mistakes, not getting any good results while becoming emotionally and spiritually wrecked in the process. Now, I’m back in God’s will again trying to steer others from the path I’ve taken. No need learning the hard way, right? We must encourage each other as we’re waiting on our chance to be a good, Christian wife (or husband). In the meanwhile, it’s crucial that we know how to hold it down as Christian singles. We need it, especially in this dating game. God, PLEASE take the wheel! No more digressing…

My Experience

I thought that sex was the only language of love that men really understood. I would have sex with guys I was dating with the expectation that they would eventually claim me as their girlfriend or put a ring on it, if I rocked their world in the right way. Negative. It didn’t work out that way. I’m sure many can attest to this.

What resulted was the guy using me only for sex. If I wasn’t in an official relationship with him, he wouldn’t make me an official girlfriend. If I managed to somehow get the girlfriend title, the ring was never won. He would stick around for a while, then he would began to become distant and fade away to a distant memory. That’s because men don’t respect women that they can easily get the goods from. But that’s another topic. Since, men don’t regard sex as a big deal because they can get it from anywhere, they were off to the next escapade. No ring, no wedding, no wifey, no nothing. I was left feeling used, unloved, regretful, and outside the will of God.

That Word Fornication

The churchy people always use the word fornication to slam the single people. It’s such an old school word. However, fornication is mentioned at least 23 times in the New Testament alone. So, it must be an important topic to give attention to. What is fornication? I’m glad you asked. According to the Bible Encyclopedia, fornication is:

“Voluntary sexual intercourse between a man and woman who are not married to each other is a common type of fornication. Adultery is a type of fornication.”

Fornication is frequently talked about in the Bible. Not because Jesus and the Apostles wanted to stop our fun. It’s because sex was intended for marriage only. Outside of it, problems will happen guaranteed! God doesn’t want us hopping around from person to person, breaking hearts, leaving baggage, and being emotionally damaged. There are two purposes of sex. The main purpose of sex is reproduction. That sounds logical…get married and create a family. The second purpose (and the one we’re most familiar with) is for showing intimate affection to the one and only person you REALLY love, your husband or wife. Some Christian singles can’t wait to get married just to fulfill this particular purpose. Once you become married, you can have all the sex you want. Whatever man I marry better have the strength! Give him strength, Lord!

Outcomes of Fornication

Although fornication was mentioned in the Bible, the consequences of pre-marital sex wasn’t fully explained other than fire, brimstone, and not making it into the kingdom of Heaven. Fornication better known as pre-marital sex causes all kinds of consequences and issues such as:

  • Pre-mature feelings of love toward the other person.
  • Greater attachment towards the other person
  • Heightened possessiveness
  • Increased emotional involvement and vulnerability
  • Forced progression of the relationship (this is NOT a good thing)
  • Increased Expectation
  • Greater chance of catching an STD or becoming pregnant
  • Throws you out of the will of God

Please, by all means, feel free to comment and add to this list. I’m sure there are plenty of other issues or problems that arise from having sex outside the covenant of marriage. But really… Are those 30 minutes, 45 minutes, or even an hour of pleasure really worth it? In the short term, you may think it is, but you’ll realize that giving it up before the ring wasn’t the right move. And don’t even try to get up on here to lie and try to make us believe that you’ve had sexual experiences that lasted longer than an hour! Someone didn’t know what they were doing. Ok, I’m going to try and keep it holy. Moving on.

Living a Pure Single Life

Being a Christian single in the day, age, and society is not an easy feat, but it can be done. In order to maintain a life that’s holy and acceptable to God, you must avoid the traps, which will make you more inclined to have sex. Trust and believe the devil is waiting to test you. I get tested all the time. Before, I’d easily give in. Now, I’m fighting to hold on. I promised God that I will no longer have sex outside of marriage and I’m holding on to that promise. Since the promise was made, all kinds of ex-boyfriends and ex-flings have been coming back to test a sista. Get thee behind me, Satan! I’m not that one anymore…

If you know Netflix and Chill sessions will lead to Netflix watching you doing the do, don’t allow your boo to come over to your place. Know your limits. Netflix nights, make-out sessions, and long periods alone with your bae at night will set you up to fail. Be careful.

Regarding the kind of man you select to date, make sure he’s a Christian man of integrity. You shouldn’t have to explain why you don’t want to have sex. He should already know as a Christian man, DUH! If he tries to make you feel bad in any way because you won’t have sex. It’s time to kick him to the curb immediately. Not now, but RIGHT NOW! God is already letting you see where his head is. You don’t want a man that just want to have you sexually.

Sex-filled music will have you feeling some kind of way… Try not to listen to it as much. If you think that music that describes all kinds of crazy sex acts all day doesn’t affect you. Then, you have the self-control that I’m praying for, honey. Listening to music about sex all day makes me want to call up someone for an evening rendezvous.

Online dating…BEWARE! Men usually use dating sites as a way for their next hook-up. Be very careful.

Slipping Up

Since we are imperfect beings, slip ups will happen. As a matter of fact, God already knows that we will make mistakes. The determining factor is the condition of our heart. Do you sincerely want to live holy before God until he releases your husband or do you want to keep on making the same mistakes? God knows when we are truly trying to live according to his Word. A slip up may happen, but brush yourself off, pray for forgiveness, forgive yourself, and keep pushing.

I sincerely hope that this post encourages you. Please know that you’re not the only one holding it down to stay pure and holy as a Christian single. Just know that your waiting and struggle will not be in vain. Your hand-picked man (or woman) from God will be just for you and you will be ready for him without all of the emotional baggage from committing fornication with all kinds of people.

I’d love to hear from you! Please feel free to leave your comments and any tips on how to live a pure Christian walk as a single. Stay virtuous!

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